Collier’s Weekly: Meet Yinzer Barbie

PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK | CAP COURTESY COMMONWEALTH PRESS

Hey kids! Tired of playing with dolls that wouldn’t be caught dead chugging a Turner’s Tea at the bus stop? Looking for a playmate that has screamed “Renegade” into the microphone at a suburban karaoke night? Want to know your toy has a pack of cigarettes in a kitchen drawer but swears she only smokes when she drinks?

Good news: Now, there’s Yinzer Barbie!

Whether you carefully style her immaculately highlighted hair or simply tuck it under a free Pittsburgh Pirates Bucket Hat, you’ll have hours of fun playing with the only Barbie dressed for a disappointing trip to East Carson Street!

Yinzer Barbie is available to purchase in any structure that used to be a Kmart, whether that building is now a U-Haul, a dispensary or an occasional Spirit Halloween.

But don’t think that you’re going home with only Yinzer Barbie; there’s a whole line of Yinzer Barbie accessories!

After a hard day of tailgating, Yinzer Barbie needs a reasonably affordable place to take off her black-and-gold Crocs and hang up her Kenny Pickett jersey-shirt! That’s why you can also purchase Yinzer Barbie’s Dream Home, available in three varieties: Cosmetically Updated but Structurally Deficient Lawrenceville Row House; Perfectly Respectable Single-Family Home But It’s in Monessen; and One-Sixth of a Hastily Converted Church.

(Please note that no variety of Yinzer Barbie’s Dream Home comes with a garage, but all varieties are packaged with Yinzer Barbie’s Weatherbeaten Parking Chair and five yards of uneven sidewalk.)

And who’s that knocking too hard on the door at 11:15 p.m.? Why, it’s Kennywood Ken! Kennywood Ken comes with three different sets of shoes — unnecessary work boots, “good shoes” from Target and off-white New Balance (for mowing the lawn) — but his Lemieux jersey is literally stitched to his body!

Are Kennywood Ken and Yinzer Barbie boyfriend and girlfriend? Depends on who’s asking! Kennywood Ken’s mother (Idlewild Irene) certainly thinks they should settle down, that’s for sure!

Skipper? Not dahn ’ere! No, Yinzer Barbie’s little sidekick is ‘Sliberty! Whether she’s sitting for 18 hours in a camp chair to preserve the best seat for the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade or using the Sheetz self-checkout line to get around manufacturer’s coupon expiration dates, ’Sliberty is Pittsburgh to the core! (And we mean that literally: a piece of the Wholey’s Fish sign provides the internal framework for all ’Sliberty dolls!)

Send in Proof of Purchase from three Yinzer Barbies, and you’ll receive another doll in the mail: Yinzer Barbie’s One Friend From Up Altoona, Stockyard Suze! Why is Stockyard Suze always around even though she lives two hours away and doesn’t drive? That’s her business!

Yes, it’s Yinzer Barbie! The only Barbie that knows the best side road in Allentown to see the fireworks!

(Each Yinzer Barbie sold separately. Do not place Yinzer Barbie in the same household as Dawg Pound Barbie or Inner Harbor Barbie; spontaneous combustion may occur. Despite media reports, Yinzer Barbie is not “just half of a Chicago Barbie and a Boston Barbie smashed together.” Yinzer Barbie may get grumpy if forced to drive 40 minutes in any direction. Toys not suitable for children of any age, or adults of any age. No refunds except to Advantage Card users.)